Having arrived at the restaurant, with a few minutes to spare before my friend joined me for a leisurely lunch, I slid into the red vinyl booth and started to scan the menu. Behind me sat a group of women, and although I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop, I couldn’t help but hear their whispered voices and soon found myself listening with curiosity to the women’s conversation.
Woman 1: “OMG, I can’t believe she would do that. I mean can you imagine?”
Woman 2: “Well you know she has had her hands full with her son and his behavior issues”.
Woman 3: “Well I heard her son got caught doing … and on top of all of that she told me that her cancer is back?”
Woman 4: “I know it’s so sad”. “But, if you excuse me, I need to visit the ladies room”. “Does anyone need to go?”
Apparently, no one needed to go because the lady stood up and walked past me toward the sign marked Restrooms. As soon as she was out of sight, the conversation took on a darker tone. One, that we’ve all been front-row seat to, or have been the victim of at some point in our lives.
Woman 1: “Thank God she’s gone for a few minutes. It is just me or does she look like she’s been hitting the bottle a bit more these days. She’s such a mess I’m telling you all, she’s a lush. Who orders a cocktail during lunch when you’ve got to pick up your kids in a few hours?”
Woman 2: “I know, not only that but I heard she and her husband are having problems. But that serves her right. I mean for years she thought she was better than everyone, but then again, I think she’s such a pretender.”
Woman 3: “I can’t stand her, and I don’t know why we are even friends with her. I mean we are married to doctors and she is married to a blue-collar guy — not even in the same league as us.” “Seriously, what do you see in her? She can’t possibly be that nice of a person for you to want to be friends with, I think it’s all an act. No one I know can be that forgiving and compassionate. When someone is nice, it means they have an ulterior motive. I mean she wasn’t even grateful that I took over and rearranged Misty’s Birthday party. She should be praising me for everything I do for her.”
As Woman 4 returned to the table, the conversation stopped and the sweet syrupy tone returned to the women sitting at the table, unbeknownst to Woman 4, that her so-called friends were trashing her behind her back. It made me sad, but it also made me wonder about the different types of gossip we are exposed to and how gossip can be harmful not only to others, but also to our own mental well-being.
What I overheard wasn’t unique, these conversations and whispers can be heard in every language, in every country; spoken over the phone, at the office water cooler, and in the stands at our children’s sporting events where the niceties and pleasantries can suddenly take a dark turn towards the gossip zone. No one is immune to hearing gossip or spreading gossip.
Sometimes, gossip is spread with good intentions when you want to share in someone’s good news, sometimes we end up gossiping out of concern, wanting to let someone know that someone else is under the weather, and many times we end up gossiping out of our need to feel important or to be the one with all the latest news. And then there are times when gossip is meant to be mean, spiteful, and detrimental to another person’s reputation and character.
Gossip may seem like a universal human behavior—something we’ve all found ourselves smack dab in the middle of at some point. But what exactly is gossip? Is it wrong if it is a natural human tendency? And how do we avoid being labeled a gossip and not get pulled into conversations we have no business being a part of?
What Is Gossip?
The definition of gossip refers to information shared about an absent third party. It happens when we talk about other people, focusing on details that may not be confirmed as true. Many times when gossip is spread, it is spun and the original truth becomes twisted into a false narrative.
Different Types of Gossip:
- Positive Gossip: This involves admiring or praising someone. For example, sharing news about someone’s good fortune: letting others know about someone else’s promotion, engagement, new car, etc.
- Neutral Gossip: Here, we discuss updates or observations about others without necessarily being positive or negative.
- Negative Gossip: This is where things get tricky. Negative gossip includes spreading rumors, character assassination, or discussing someone’s flaws or mistakes behind their back.
Recognizing When Gossip Occurs
Identifying gossip can be challenging because it often masquerades as harmless conversation. Or, in some cases gossip occurs when one party wants to paint another person in a bad light. It usually happens when people steer their conversations away from talking about ideas, towards talking about people. Pay attention to your conversations with people and you will recognize how gossip can become the focus and subject matter:
- Are People Being Negative?: Gossip tends to focus on the negative aspects of someone’s life or behavior. If the conversation revolves around criticizing, judging, or mocking, it’s likely gossip.
- Would You Say It In Front of The Person?: Imagine having the same conversation in front of the person being discussed. If you wouldn’t want them to hear what is being said, then it’s probably gossip and shouldn’t be a part of the conversation.
- Is What Someone Is Saying Attacking Another Person’s Reputation?: Consider whether the information being shared could harm someone’s reputation. Is the person talking maliciously about another person? Do you know the information to be true? Has anyone considered how hurtful lies and misinformation could be? What is the intent of the person sharing potentially slanderous information?
- What Is The Intent?: Is someone trying to sway you to turn against another person? Are they spreading misinformation or revealing secrets to pit friends against friends? If so, this is a dark form of gossip.
- Source: Did you acquire the information directly from the person involved, or is it hearsay? If it’s secondhand, it’s likely gossip.
- Whose Story Is It?: If it is not your story to tell, then you may be guilty of spreading gossip. Unless you have permission to speak about someone else’s situation, then it is their story and their right to tell someone; not yours to tell on their behalf.
The Dangers of Gossip
While some people may not be aware they are gossiping — their intentions may be good, but what they are saying to others could have adverse results they are unaware of. So exactly what are the dangerous consequences of gossip:
- Trust Erosion: Constant gossip erodes trust. If someone talks negatively about everyone, they’re likely doing the same behind your back. Trust becomes elusive. We can also call it the bathroom test. If you are with a group of people and someone needs to excuse themselves, watch the individuals who start to talk about them. If these people do it to many different people in your presence, trust me, they are doing it to you when not in their line of sight.
- Mental Toxins: Engaging in gossip fertilizes our minds with toxicity and judgment. Being around those who make a sport of gossiping, causes us to scrutinize ourselves more as well as brain-washes us into scrutinizing others. It’s a vicious cycle. None of us are without faults, so being judgmental can sometimes mask our own deep-rooted insecurities. The risk is those in your inner circle will start to judge your actions and you might find you are not living up to their standards and now you’re part of their daily gossip train, or worse, you find yourself going down a rabbit hole of constant negativity.
- Reputation Damage: Gossip can tarnish reputations swiftly. Repeating false rumors or half-truths can spread like wildfire, negatively impacting another person’s life. Some of the worst gossipers purposely spread falsehoods to discredit others and to make themselves the victims by making other people the villains in their narrative.
- Self-Esteem and Mental Health: Being the subject of gossip can harm self-confidence, self-esteem, and mental well-being, leading to anxiety, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. Think of being the target of the “mean girls” in your adult group of friends.
How to Address Gossip
When you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation where others are gossiping, there are ways for you to handle it:
- Ignore or Change the Subject: When someone gossips to you, simply refuse to engage. You do have the power to change the topic or you can refuse to engage in a response.
- Set Clear Boundaries: Be known as a person who will not engage in idle gossip. Create a culture within your work group, friends circle, or other social group where open communication feels comfortable discussing issues and ideas rather than people.
- Remain Neutral: Avoid taking sides or participating in gossip. Be a neutral listener.
- Have the Courage to Shut It Down: Let others know you do not want to hear anything negative about someone else and that you are uncomfortable hearing about something you should not be privy to. If a friend is trying to get you to say negative things about one of your other friends, make it crystal clear and tell them, that a true friend would never try to create a rift between you and your other friend. Remember, there could be people overhearing your conversation, and go back to your friend and tell them you were talking behind their back.
Handling Gossip Within Friendships:
This can be a delicate issue, but it’s essential to maintain healthy relationships. Here are some ways to address a friend who is gossiping about another friend:
- Be Direct and Honest: Approach your friend privately and express your feelings honestly. You might say, “Hey [Friend’s Name], I’ve noticed that we’ve been discussing [Other Friend] quite a bit lately. I’d prefer not to engage in negative talk about them. Can we focus on more positive conversations?”
- Set Boundaries: Let your friend know that you value your friendship with both of them and that you don’t want to participate in gossip. Say something like, “I care about both you and [Other Friend], and I’d rather not discuss their personal matters.”
- Redirect the Conversation: When your friend starts gossiping, gently steer the conversation elsewhere. For example, “You know, I’d love to hear about your recent trip instead. How was it?”
- Empathize and Reframe: Acknowledge your friend’s feelings but encourage a more positive perspective. For instance, “I get that sometimes we all need to vent, but let’s try to see [Other Friend]’s side too. Maybe they’re going through a tough time.”
- Share Positive Stories: Remind your friend of the good times you’ve all had together. Say, “Remember when we all went hiking last summer? [Other Friend] was so supportive during that trip.”
- Model Behavior: Be an example by avoiding gossip yourself. Show that you prioritize kindness and understanding. Your actions speak louder than words.
- Express Loyalty: Reassure your friend that you’re loyal to both parties. Say, “I care about both of you, and I want our friendship to be positive for everyone.” You can even ask them how they would feel if the tables were reversed.
Remember, friendships thrive on trust, empathy, and open communication. By addressing gossip with kindness and assertiveness, you can maintain a healthy dynamic while supporting both friends.
We’d like to know how you have handled gossip in your life. Please leave a comment in the comments section below with other tips and advice you would give to someone currently stuck in the Gossip Zone. Be sure to hit the “Like” button and share on your favorite social media platforms.
